Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 
Robert Ellis’ FOURTEEN SELF-DEFEATING RULES
Robert Ellis argued that a small number of core beliefs underlie most unhelpful emotions and behaviors. Core beliefs are underlying rules or code which guides how we react to the events and circumstances in our lives. Over the thirty-five years Ellis worked on this cognitive level, Ellis identified a trend that all dysfunctional behavior and attitudes functioned out of one (or more) of these self-defeating rules. Here are the first 5 of his self-defeating rules compliments of Udemy. The remaining 14 rules will be found in future editions of Shoka Magazine
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I NEED EVERYONE TO APPROVE OF ME
People pleasers are everywhere: you either know a few people pleasers or you are a people pleaser yourself. People pleasers say yes to everyone and everything, regardless as to whether or not they want to. They perpetually lie to fit into other people’s narratives and demands: they agree with opinions they don’t agree with, they complement people’s outfits which they don’t like, they’ll say things they believe other people want to hear, they’ll attend social events they didn’t want to go to and they’ll even date people they don’t even fancy for fear of ‘hurting their feelings’. Why do people compromise their own sincerity, integrity and authenticity to please other people? It’s usually because they believe their opinions, needs, thoughts and whole persona isn’t good enough. They usually came from backgrounds where parents, guardians or authority figures emotionally or physically abused them and rejected them, resulting in a desire in adulthood to seek any form of approval, regardless of its legitimacy.
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I MUST AVOID BEING DISLIKED BY ANYONE
Similarly, to the first point, people who don’t like to be disliked by people are people pleasers. To avoid being disliked, they’ll maintain friendships with people they don’t personally like (or are afraid of being on the wrong side of) or be overly friendly with people who clearly dislike them, going out of their way to buy them nice things, compliment them and strike up a conversation with them. Again, this way of being is inauthentic and deceitful, but people don’t act this way out of bad intentions: they’re merely trying to disprove their deep-seated belief that they are an unkind, nasty, horrible, boring person who nobody likes and who doesn’t deserve friendship or love.
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I MUST SUCCEED IN EVERYTHING I DO TO BE VALUABLE
Many people are addicted to success, usually because they have a deep-seated core belief that they are a failure. Their parents or teachers may have made them feel like nothing they ever did was good enough or that they were a mistake which ruined their lives, so they spend the rest of their adult lives trying to out-work this core belief that they’re a failure who will never amount to anything. As a result, they end up burned out, overworked and stressed. Rather than defining success as being true to one’s values, being authentic and living with integrity, they define success as money, career status, materialism and grades.
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IT’S NOT OK TO MAKE MISTAKES. IF I DO, I’M A BAD PERSON
Progression in life relies heavily on our ability to learn lessons from the risks we take and the mistakes we make. Unfortunately, there are millions of people who will never step outside of their comfort zone and take risks because they believe that every mistake, they make defines who they are and their capabilities in life. They see mistakes, not as learning opportunities, but as markers of their own incapabilities and insufficiency.
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OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD STRIVE TO ENSURE I AM ALWAYS HAPPY
Whilst it’s easy to look at this rule and believe it only applies to a small minority of people who act like Veruca Salt, this idea isn’t as clear cut as that. There’s no denying that there are people in this world who feel entitled to be taken care of and appeased by everyone from strangers to immediate friends and family, there are more people out there who carry this belief more subtly. Whenever someone doesn’t go out of their way to please us, like a waiter in a restaurant or a friend, we feel affronted and offended because we expected more from them. We complain when people said something which offended us and bottle hatred towards them because they should have been more considerate, subsequently allowing their inconsideration to negatively impact our day, week or even lifetime. We can easily fall into the trap of self-consumption and forget that our needs, values and life objectives are not any more significant than those around us, so we prioritize our feelings, needs and emotional satisfaction without considering the complexity of those of the people we interact with.
Reflective Exercise:
Take 5-10 minutes to reflect on each of the irrational beliefs that Ellis highlighted. and identify any that may be particularly relevant to you. Consider the following questions in relation to each of these rules:
- In what areas or situations do you recognize any of these rules in your life?
- Can you identify how these rules may have developed? Did you choose them or have their underlying beliefs developed from the influence of your family/friends as you were growing up?
- How have these rules prevented you or limited you in terms of achieving the things you really want in life?
- What changes can you start making today to start building these new beliefs into your life?