By Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA

NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the unknowing parents and the innocent child.

Four years before coming into our school, Jill had given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Johnny.  Robert and Jill had held off having children until they had established their careers. Jill was 38, Robert was 41 and Johnny was their first child.

They were perplexed by the fact that their son could be a strong-willed terror with them but shy and reticent with others. He dominated them with angry outbursts and temper tantrums until he got his way.  While outside their home he would adamantly refuse to try anything new. They gave in to him and bribed him with toys and food. But he was going to be starting school soon and they were worried that it would not go well.

Johnny had seen martial arts in a cartoon and had taken a liking to it. Jill had heard that a good martial arts school would teach self-control to a child prone to angry outbursts, and instill confidence in one who was shy. They wanted to give karate training a try. So they brought him to our school with the hope that this nightmare would end soon, and that they could get the happy child they had dreamed about.

Jill and Robert believed that the problem was with their son. They wanted him to become independent so they were letting him have a say in family decisions. Jill believed that using her position as the mother to control her son would harm him emotionally and stunt his personal growth. Robert didn’t believe in rules.  His parents were strong authoritarians who harped at him constantly about being responsible. They had rules for everything and didn’t believe in coddling their child. As a matter of fact he could only remember them telling him that they loved him once in his whole life and he didn’t want to be that kind of parent. He felt that his son needed a friend, not a disciplinarian. He wanted him to be free. So the few rules that the family had were rarely enforced.

Coming into Our School

When they came into our school, even though Johnny had been excited about taking karate, he refused to come out on the floor. Robert told us that he was ‘shy’ and then Jill asked Johnny if he wanted to take the class. Johnny continued to refuse and began to throw a tantrum. They looked at us and said they didn’t want to make him do anything he didn’t want to do. There was no doubt about it. Johnny was in charge.

The Dangers Inherent in a Permissive Parenting Style

What Jill and Robert didn’t know was that they were employing a permissive parenting style which based on their past experiences, seemed like the right thing to do. But what they didn’t know was that permissive parenting often leads to low achievement, poor decision making, displays of aggression, less understanding of emotional states, inability to manage time, poor habits, delinquency and substance abuse. They were setting Johnny up for severe emotional and psychological problems later in life.

Description of Four Different Parenting Styles

Research by Diana Baumrind from the early 1960s and later research by Maccoby and Martin suggest that there are four different parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Neglectful.

Authoritarian Parenting is seen where the parents set firm rules and punish their children for breaking them. They provide no explanation of the reasoning behind the rules. The answer is “Just do it.” Very little affection is given to the child.

The Authoritative Parenting style is one in which rules are put in place but the reasoning behind the rules are given and they are enforced affectionately.

Permissive Parenting is high on nurturing but low on expectations and rules. The parents indulge their child and rarely discipline them.

The Neglectful Parent has few demands, no rules, and little or no communication or affection.

A study done by a Brigham Young University research team showed that Permissive Parenting resulted in teen binge drinking that was three times above normal while Authoritarian Parenting resulted in teen binge drinking that was two times above normal. From these studies it appears that the optimal parenting style is the Authoritative Style in which the parents set rules but enforce them in a nurturing and supportive way. This was best described to me by a successful parent who told me that he had a mom who he knew loved him, but he also knew, that if he ever crossed the line, she would have killed him.

The Naturalistic Observation Research Method

Naturalistic observation is a research method used by psychologists and social scientists to study subjects in their natural environment. It is a research method that we have used for 50+ years. Our conclusion is that the real students in our school are the parents.

So… is there hope for permissive parents like Jill and Robert? The answer is yes. The events of our lives can shape us in ways we don’t always know and cause us to act in ways we won’t normally have.  Shotokan Karate Leadership School training will give you an insight into the impact your life events have had on you and free you to see a better way and empower you to change. Through our training you can learn to set rules in your household and enforce them with affection. Contact us if you’d like our help.

Please visit https://askaboutkarate.com/ for information about our martial arts school in Santa Rosa, CA!

Why you want order and your child wants chaos and what to do about it

By Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald, author

Consider F. Scott Fitzgerald’s belief that holding two opposing ideas in mind at the same time was a good test for a first-rate intelligence. Then consider that Sun Tsu, the author of the 2500-year-old book, The Art of War, states that battles are won by thinking; not by fighting. The conclusion we can draw is that a person with a first-rate intelligence has a much better chance of winning in battle than a person without one. By extension the person who can win in battle, where conditions are the worst imaginable, would have a better chance of winning in life where the conditions are bad but not nearly as bad as in war.

Winning in life can mean many things but what’s true in all situations is that we must first win for ourselves then win for others. If you are dead-broke and living under a bridge, you won’t be able to help many people. You have to first fix that situation. In an emergency airlines drop oxygen masks down and tell you to put your mask on first and then help the person next to you. If you can’t breathe, you can’t do much to help anyone else.

 Growth Mindset

When I was young, the common belief was that you were born with a certain amount of intelligence and that was all you got. But social scientists have now discovered that intelligence is like a muscle that can grow and get stronger. In other words, if we work at it, we can become more intelligent. Working at it means reading, writing, studying, and formulating ideas and speaking about them.

 Messiness May Be Better Than Neatness

Researchers at the University of Minnesota tested students on how well they came up with new ideas while working in an orderly or disorderly environment. What they found was that the students working in a messy environment came up with more interesting and creative ideas as judged by independent observers than their counterparts who worked in an orderly environment. Also, Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freedman, authors of A Perfect Mess demonstrate that moderately messy systems use resources more efficiently, yield better solutions, and are harder to break than neat ones.

Order, and all that goes with it, is what parents generally want. It makes life easier. Whereas chaos and all that goes with it, is what kids want. Watch kids play when there are no adults telling them what the rules are and how

they should play the game. They are at their happiest and freest; there is nothing they love better. Child development experts tell us that kids need this type of play to grow and become who they are meant to be.

 As a parent you want to know what your child is learning

I believe that if you’ve read this far, that you want to benefit from the lessons your child is getting. So, here’s a challenge for you: hold the two opposing ideas of order and chaos in your mind at the same time and then continue to function normally. I believe you will find that they can exist together in harmony. When you do this you will become a happier and more peaceful parent to your perfectly messy and chaos loving child.

Marty Callahan has spent his life understanding and improving the lives of students both young and old. His passion led to the founding of the Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA in 1981 with a dream to awaken the extraordinary leader in his students. Having inspired, taught, coached, supported and trained over 15,000 students in 40,000 classes, Marty has become Sonoma County’s preeminent martial arts leadership instructor.

Please visit https://askaboutkarate.com/ for information about our martial arts school in Santa Rosa, CA!

By Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA

Your child is facing a world that is getting more chaotic and competitive every day. To some extent you must be worried about how they will handle it and what is the best way to prepare them. We believe the best way to prepare them is to help them become the best person they can be.

There are many goals that a person might pursue in life. Some goals are personal and selfish, others are meaningless. The most valuable goals are noble and honorable. They support a person for a lifetime and put them in a position to do good in the world. Developing one’s character is one of those goals. It is a worthy pursuit. But don’t take my word for it, read what some of the world’s greatest minds have to say.

“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. For your character is what you are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

– Dale Carnegie

 

“When life changes to be harder. Change yourself to be stronger. What hurts you today makes you stronger tomorrow.”

– Edwin Mamerto

 

“Always remember this. Grapes must be crushed to make wine. Diamonds form under pressure. Olives are pressed to release oil. Seeds grow in darkness. Whenever you feel crushed, under pressure, pressed, or in darkness, you’re in a powerful place of transformation. Trust the process.”

“Life is hard for everyone. It’s either hard because you decided not to pay the price to become valuable and you suffered the consequences. Or it’s hard because you paid the price to become valuable but then your options become unlimited.”

– Bill Crawford, Air Force Fighter Pilot

 

“Warriors are not what you think of as warriors. The warrior is not someone who fights, for no one has the right to take another life. The warrior, for us, is the one who sacrifices himself for the good of others. His task is to take care of the elderly, the defenseless, those who cannot provide for themselves, and above all, the children, the future of humanity.”

– Sitting Bull, Hunkpapa Lakota Indian Chief

 

“Fortune favors the bold. Audacity pays off. Early audacity can pay off the most.”

– Warren Buffett

 

“Character is the real foundation of all worthwhile success.”

– John Hays Hammond

 

“Our ability to handle life’s challenges is a measure of our strength of character.”

– Les Brown

 

“Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared, but only men of character are trusted.”

– Alfred Adler

 

The character and leadership training we give your child will give them unlimited options. For their sake, parent, learn about what our training is the many benefits of training to Black Belt and Beyond and keep your child training.  Everywhere you look in the world there are problems. Problems that need capable, intelligent leaders to solve them. Those problems are not going to go away any time soon. The leaders of the future will need to solve them; our children will either be those leaders or not.

Shotokan Karate Leadership School® training is a call to action. It’s a call for you to awaken the extraordinary leader in your child. The question is, will you answer this call. Help us help your child become the person they are meant to be and a leader of the future. Give them unlimited options.

I sincerely hope you will, and I look forward to having your child train with us for many years to come.

Please visit https://askaboutkarate.com/ for information about our martial arts school in Santa Rosa, CA!

By Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA

There are many different traditions in the martial arts. The Shotokan Karate tradition, established by the great Master Gichin Funakoshi, values character development over technical prowess.  To quote from his Niju Kun, or twenty precepts: “Spirit and mind are more important than technique.”

Master Funakoshi’s successor, Masatoshi Nakayama in his widely acknowledged volumes titled Best Karate says:

“Training means training of body and spirit, and above all else one should treat his opponent courteously and with the proper etiquette. It is not enough to fight with all one’s might; the true objective in karate-do is to do so for the sake of justice.”

Long ago it was recognized that training that developed the mind and spirit, as well as the body, was vastly superior to training that developed only technical prowess. It was also recognized that those who completed this training developed the noble traits of courage, courtesy, integrity, humility and self-control.  And, that these traits made them excellent protectors in times of war, and superior leaders in times of peace. We believe that an empathetic person of noble character will act to correct a problem when they see one, and will inspire others to join in their cause. To us, this is what it means to be a leader.

The essence of martial arts training is to prepare oneself to face life or death situations with a calm demeanor. Once this training has taken effect, the individual becomes uniquely qualified to lead. But not all martial art programs are alike. Only a training program designed to develop superior character will produce the superior leaders we need today.

We provide a superior training program that develops the mind, body and spirit and it is why we are qualified to teach leadership to children.

Now the question remains, will you answer this call? We sincerely hope you will.

Please visit https://askaboutkarate.com/ for information about our martial arts school in Santa Rosa, CA!

By Shotokan Karate Leadership School in Santa Rosa, CA

Knowing yourself gives you insight into other people. That’s where you start. Without self-knowledge, your basis for understanding others is incomplete. So, what does this mean? It can mean many things and my understanding of it continues to grow as I continue to practice but for now here’s a synopsis.  Knowing yourself means to know your mind, body and spirit both separately and together as one. Knowing your body means to know if you are healthy or sick, weak or strong, in pain or comfortable and to what degree you are all of these and in what way are you all of these. If you are weak in body for example what part of your body is weak? Your legs? Your arms? Your torso? And what do you have to do to make them stronger? Once you know how your body is weak then you can work to strengthen it.  Knowing your mind means to know what you are thinking, and to know what you know and what you don’t know. However, as Mark Twain said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you in trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” We tend to think that what we think is fact when in reality it’s only our opinion and often isn’t true. You must be able to tell fact from fiction.  And you must be willing to say that you just don’t know something.

Your spirit is your life force, so knowing your spirit means to know the strength of your life. How are you coping with life? Are you overcome by the sheer enormity of it? Are you taking life on and meeting it’s challenges on your own terms? Are you worried and filled with doubt? Are you experiencing peace and serenity? Do you have dreams for what you’d like your life to be like?  Have you set goals? Are you working towards those goals? These are all an indication of your spirit. If your spirit is strong, you can accomplish just about anything. Of these three – body, mind and spirit – spirit is most important. It is what makes you alive. Knowing the condition of your spirit is critically important to your success. Deep breathing, relaxation exercises, and focused effort will do wonders to bring your spirit back up.

Please visit https://askaboutkarate.com/ for information about our martial arts school in Santa Rosa, CA!